Dr. Doug Welpton asked:


Who doesn’t want love, healthy sex, and money as elements of a happy, fulfilled life? To acquire these things, however, we need successful relationships built through sharing thoughts and feelings. Below are 12 steps to a “connecting conversation” about finances. You relieve some of the financial stress when you can have a positive talk about money. These steps can be used to discuss any topic.

Financial difficulties can put a lot of stress on a relationship. The major breadwinner will often try to fix the problem without burdening his or her partner, while the partner may feel unimportant and left out. The relationship suffers as a consequence.

Step 1: Plan a reward for your conversation.

Discussing money is difficult for most couples even in good times. To help motivate you to undertake this conversation, each start by sharing a reward you would like to receive for completing this first conversation. The reward should be something that you look forward to enthusiastically, like going to a movie, going out to dinner, attending a concert or a play, planning a vacation or a cruise, even planning to retire earlier based on having worked together on your financial plan. Give yourselves a reward when you have completed this conversation.

Step 2: Accept that you and your partner will have differences.

It is unusual for two people to think exactly alike about money. One partner tends to save, the other to spend. Each position has value for the relationship. A critical step toward working as a team is to appreciate how your partner contributes to your financial partnership.

Step 3: Set aside an uninterrupted time to talk.

You are not going to fix all your problems in this one conversation, and that should not be your goal, so 20 minutes is enough time to talk. Your most important goal is to have a positive experience talking so you are motivated to keep having talks. If you run into a difficult issue that makes it hard to continue to talk, take a break and resume a few hours later.

Step 4: Find a “business” setting in your home where you can focus and listen without distractions.

You could use facing chairs at the kitchen table, for example. This room should not be a place where you are romantic. Agree not to answer the phone and to take care of possible distractions in advance.

Step 5: Use impersonal energy, not personal energy or walls.

Impersonal energy is what you use at work when dealing with a colleague. You are fully attentive but detached from taking things personally. Avoid using personal energy where your primary focus is on feelings. Taking care of feelings makes it difficult to focus on the task of solving your financial problems. Personal energy can lead you to take things personally and feel more vulnerable

Step 6: Make eye contact so that you each feel what you are saying is valued and heard.

If you look away your partner may interpret that to mean you aren’t interested or don’t value their input.

Step 7: Monitor your tone of voice.

Your tone is more important than your words. If your tone sounds critical, blaming, whiny, or weak, rather than non-judgmental, your conversation can quickly turn into the blame game.

Step 8: Talk without blaming or criticizing.

Use ‘I’ statements, not ‘you’ statements. ‘You’ statements are about your partner; they can be accusatory and provoke defensiveness or aggravate your partner.

Step 9: Take responsibility for your thoughts and your mindsets.

We interpret the sights and sounds we perceive so quickly we do not realize our thinking gives them a meaning almost instantly. For example, when we hear a loud bang outside, we give it a meaning so quickly we don’t realize our mind has interpreted it as either a dangerous bomb exploding or a joyous celebration starting. We create our feelings depending on the interpretation. If we think it’s a bomb we feel fear, whereas if we think it’s a celebration we feel joy. Our interpretations arise from our mindsets, our conditioned beliefs that started in childhood.

Step 10: Take turns talking while using sentence stems that take responsibility.

Each partner should use three short sentences starting with these sentence stems:

1. “What I am making myself think is….”

2. “What I am making myself feel about this is….” (Feelings are single words like fear, pain, anger, guilt, shame, love, joy, passion, depressed, and excited. Our thoughts require several words. You may have more than one feeling about your thought.)

3. “What I would appreciate you doing about this is….”

For example I might say, “What I am making myself think is we don’t have enough money to pay all our bills. What I am making myself feel about it is fear, pain, guilt, shame, and anger. What I would appreciate you doing is having a conversation with me so we can prioritize and plan how to pay these bills and prepare for future expenses.”

Once you have spoken your three sentences, your partner responds using the same process. When your partner is talking, keep in mind that your partner is responsible for creating what they are thinking and saying, just as you are for what you are thinking and saying. It is to be expected that your partner’s perception about your finances and bills will be different from yours, which is why it is so important to have your conversation. Your partner’s mindset is as valid for them as your mindset is for you. Each of your pictures of your finances needs to be heard and respected to make plans that you can work on as a team.

Your goal in talking is to tell your partner what you think and feel, not to try to change your partner. If your words bring about a change in their thinking, that is determined by your partner. Likewise, you listen to hear your partner’s thoughts and feelings. You do not listen to defend or justify yourself.

Step 11: Identify and write down practical goals.

After talking back and forth for 15 minutes, each write down three changes you will start immediately to help with your finances and continue until you meet again in three months. These goals are for you. Your partner will come up with their goals. You may share a common goal that you both work on. Sweep your side of the street and let your partner sweep theirs. Quarterly meetings are needed to stay current with your finances. When you have a pressing financial problem you will need to meet more frequently.

Step 12: Practice gratitude for each step your partner takes in listening and sharing.

We do more of what we are appreciated for. When not appreciated, we usually do less of what we were doing. When you appreciate your partner it helps you; you will raise your energy and feel better. If you criticize your partner you lower your energy and make yourself feel worse.

It is important to realize that you can use this 12 step connecting conversation by yourself to change your relationship. Even if your partner is not involved in using it or not motivated to learn it, you can practice all the steps yourself. You will change yourself in the process, which in turn will change your relationship. You will feel better about yourself and how you are relating to your partner.